Chapter 27) Making Friends

Amelia awoke early the next morning. The birds were singing their morning songs and the sun was just starting rise. Amelia couldn't remember going to sleep. All she remembered was that she had been wanting to kill herself again. When Amelia sat up in bed and had absorbed her surroundings, she saw one of the nurses sat in her doorway. "Good morning Amelia", the nurse with short, spiked blonde hair greeted. "Err, erm, good morning. Have you been watching me all night?" Amelia enquired. She was confused as to why someone would want to watch her sleep all night and felt a little uncomfortable. "We were concerned about you last night, so we put you on higher level observations. Before we were checking on you every fifteen minutes, now we have to keep you within eyesight. We have had to take away certain items such as your belts, phone charger and ear phones but you can ask us for those back at any time when you need them", the nurse explained.
"Great, so nobody trusts me. Just great. Are you gonna watch me shower too?" Amelia said flatly. "I'm afraid I will have to linger in the doorway, however you can pop the shower curtain round you to keep your privacy as long as you promise to keep talking to me, otherwise I will have to watch", the nurse replied. Amelia was not amused. She felt vulnerable and exposed. Suddenly, she did not want to shower anymore. "Forget it, I will just brush my teeth and get dressed", Amelia mumbled.

Amelia had had a quick wash and spruce up, and sprayed on some of her favourite Chanel perfume. She had wandered out of bedroom and walked into the lounge, where she saw Sam sitting in there alone, watching the morning news. "Morning duck", Sam greeted.
"Morning hon", Amelia replied, who was surprised that she replied to Sam so easily.
"I take it seeing your family didn't go very well last night. Sarah saw the nurses outside your bedroom door", Sam said, trying to find out what happened.
"Yeah it went horribly. I don't think I can face them again. Now the nurses are spying on me, they have to keep me in eyesight. I can't even shower. It's disgusting and perverse!" Amelia protested. "You get used to it", Sam replied. "I've been in here so many times, I don't really notice it anymore."
"Really? I've never been in a hospital before let alone a looney bin. Why are you here, if you don't mind me asking?" Amelia enquired.
"Looney bin?" Sam laughed. "Well, I have post traumatic stress disorder. Sometimes when the flashbacks get bad, I try and kill myself. So that's why I'm here really. What about you?" Amelia grimaced. Could she really talk about why she was here with a total stranger? But for some reason unbeknown to Amelia, she felt comfortable in talking to Sam. "I er, well, it's kinda complicated. But I feel like I am possessed, I don't feel like I am me. And I tried to jump off a bridge really", Amelia explained.
"Ah, I see. Well if you wanna chill out with me and Sarah, then feel free. Maybe we can formulate a prison break, or conspire against the nurses. Yes, it really does get that boring in here", Sam giggled and Amelia nervously joined in.

Sam seemed warm and friendly. He was skinny and wore tight, black skinny jeans, a studded belt and a band tee shirt. He had dark brown hair with a side swept fringe and had illuminating green eyes. Amelia hasn't asked for Sam's age, but she assumed he was about the same age as her. Amelia couldn't help but notice the deep scars that covered both of his arms. She felt saddened that such a friendly, good looking person could ever feel so bad about themselves. "It will be breakfast soon, lets go into the dining room", Sam said to Amelia.

Amelia and Sam had poured themselves some orange juice and had made themselves some toast. The toast was dry and the butter was too cold to spread, but this had been the first thing Amelia had eaten for days. Amelia and Sam had been talking at the dining table for half an hours when they were joined by Sarah. "Morning dear", Sam said greeting Sarah.
"Been making friends have we Sam?" Sarah chuckled. "Anyway nice to see you settling in duck, has Sam been filling you on on Cherry Tree's secrets?" Sarah said turning to Amelia. Amelia smiled. "We've been making up conspiracies to piss the staff off", Sam announced.
"Why does that not surprise me? Anyway, I have important issues to discuss Samuel. Oh and Amelia too", Sarah laughed. The trio huddled together and Sarah began to explain her latest idea. "I've got some leave at the end of this week. And this place is fucking dull as at the moment. How about I, erm, smuggle some booze in and we can have a little party, just the three of us?" Sarah whispered.
"That's fucking ace! But won't they search you when you get back?" Sam asked.
"I'm schizophrenic, not a druggie or a pisshead. They never search me when I come back from day leave. I mean, I'm not gonna come clanking in with glass bottles or anything. I'll just bring it in large water bottles, they know I won't drink tap water and I bring back bottles of water anyway. Only on this occasion I will empty the water out and put vodka in it", Sarah chortled, and the others joined in. Amelia was worried that one of the nurses observing her would overhear her, but as she was in a communal area, she noticed that the nurses were watching her from the nurses station. "This is going to be the most fun I've had in ages", Amelia said, feeling slightly positive about her inpatient experience. "Of course, if I get caught, I will just blame the voices", Sarah joked as everyone erupted with laughter. The trio's laughter was interrupted by Amanda fetching Amelia for her session with her psychiatrist. "Good luck!", Sarah and Sam said in unison.

Chapter 26) The Visit

Sarah, Sam and Amelia were sat on the brown sofa's in the lounge, watching the widescreen television. Sarah and Sam were watching tea time quiz shows, whilst Amelia was only paying minimal attention. Amelia was looking around the room. The walls were painted cream and the floor had been recently recarpeted with dark brown carpet. The room was filled with several sofas around the room for the patients to gather and watch television together. Amelia had noticed that this room seemed more dull than the dining room, as the walls were mostly bare except for a few safety posters. Amelia had noticed that the door to the garden was at the back of the lounge. Amelia had forgotten what fresh air felt and smelled like. Amelia imagined her beautiful garden at home, sat under the apple trees with a gentle breeze blowing on her face. Amelia was interrupted from her thoughts as Sam had begun hurling abuse at the smug quiz show contestants on the television.

Amelia looked at the clock in the lounge, and noticed that the time was nearing six o'clock. She began to feel sick and her palms began to sweat. Amelia was now fidgety and restless. She didn't know how she was going to get through visiting time. What if her parents were angry with her? What if Melanie was ashamed of her? What if her family didn't turn up at all? Amelia's mind and heart was racing. She began to panic, and ran out of the lounge but just as she reached the nurses station, she saw three familiar figures speaking to one of the nurses. Amelia stood still and turned a paler shade of white than she already was. She took a deep breathe and fixated on the ground as she didn't want to catch her family's eye as she was ashamed of herself.

Amelia could hear Melanie talking to the nurses, but she couldn't make out what her sister was saying as everything seemed to be a blur to Amelia. Melanie looked up momentarily and saw her sister stood by the lounge doorway. She stopped talking to the nurse and ran up to her sister and wrapped her arms round her. "Amelia!" Melanie shrieked. "I've missed you so much! How are you?" Amelia remained silent, with her eyes still fixated on the floor. Catherine and Larry walked over to their daughter. Catherine wrapped her arms round Amelia, whilst Amelia stood rigid and still, trying to stop herself from bursting into tears. "It's good to see you baby girl", Larry said to Amelia, whilst patting her on the back. Amelia took her parents and Melanie into the dining room and sat at one of the large pine tables.

Amelia had now become fixated on the ceiling. The atmosphere was tense, and nobody had said a word since they had sat down. "So then Amelia, how are you feeling?" Catherine asked her daughter, tentatively. Amelia was still staring at the ceiling. Melanie was getting irritated with Amelia's avoidant behaviour, "Amelia, look at me for god's sake!" she demanded, whilst waving her hand infront of Amelia's face. "Stop it Mel. I just don't know what to say. What would you say if you were me? Would you say that life was fantastic and never better?" Amelia said, sarcastically. "No honey, we know it's difficult being in here. We just wanted to see you", Catherine reasoned. "You know nothing", Amelia snapped.

Five minutes of silence passed, with the atmosphere between the family becoming more and more strained. Amelia eventually broke the silence. "How is Tom?" she asked.
"Erm, he's fine", Melanie answered sheepishly.
"You're lying to me. He's not said anything has he?" Amelia raised her voice.
"It's tough on him Amelia. His family has been completely torn apart and his girlfriend is in hospital. His life has been turned completely upside down. Give him time honey", Larry reassured his daughter. "And what about my life? Is my life not upside down? He could have least asked about me. He doesn't care. Nobody cares, and if they did I wouldn't be stuck in here!" Amelia snarled. Amelia had become so enraged that she got up from her seat, punched the table and stormed off into her bedroom.

Why could nobody understand Amelia's frustration? Amelia was crying hard into her pillow when she heard a knock at the door. "Go away!" Amelia yelled.
"Amelia, I am Cindy, one of the nurses. I know you are upset and angry and I will go away in a minute, but I have got some things that your parents have brought you from home. Can I come in and just pop them in your room?" Cindy asked Amelia calmly on the other side of her door. Amelia got up from her bed, and opened her door to let Cindy in. "Thank you Amelia. They have brought you another bag of clothes and some photos. They have also brought in your mobile phone and ipod", Cindy said. Amelia began to cry hysterically. "I...was...so...horrible", Amelia blubbed.
"Horrible fucking bitch!" Amelia flinched.
Cindy noticed Amelia jump. "It's understandable Amelia. This is such a difficult time for you. This is a strange place. You are away from home and you no doubt feel like absolute shit. It's bound to be difficult for you honey. Maybe it was too soon to see your family. The key is not to rush things. Take your time", Cindy told Amelia, in her attempt to calm Amelia down.
"I miss them. I, I really do. I just, it's just. It's like I get angry all the time, because, I don't know why. But I feel like they shouldn't ask me stupid questions. I feel like I am letting them down. I'm angry. I'm angry with myself. How did I let things get this far?" Amelia confided.
"When we are under an enormous amount of pressure, it affects us in different ways. We can be ground down and we don't even notice how bad things have got, until, well until you are in a place like this. But now you can get well again. You can rest and get well again. It will be difficult, but you will get there Amelia", Cindy told Amelia, reassuringly.
"Kill yourself, you awful cow. Kill yourself. Fucking kill yourself!""I just wish things were different. I wish I'd jumped off that bridge while I had the chance. If I could get hold of something, or get out. I should have listened to them", Amelia sobbed, whilst her head was now being plagued by constant mumbling and chatter.
"Do you feel like you want to harm yourself Amelia?" Cindy asked, who had now become increasingly concerned about Amelia.
"Do it! Do it!""Get away from me!" Amelia yelled whilst holding her head in her hands.
"Amelia sweetheart, I'm just going to get another nurse to get you some medication to help settle you down. I think today has been traumatic for you and has upset you. I am worried about you, so I am going to sit with you just for tonight, then see how you feel in the morning", Cindy said with concern and caring. Her calm manner seemed to relax Amelia a little.

A few minutes later, Cindy returned with Amelia's medication in sat in the doorway. Cindy was tall and was wearing a royal blue nurses dress, with a belt that fitted her small waist perfectly. The buckle of the belt was a unique silver and celtic design. Amelia looked at Cindy and noticed that she had the most beautiful auburn hair, with freckles and bright green eyes. Amelia was interrupted from her thoughts when she heard a voice behind her. "Lesbian. Dirty, lesbian whore. Kill yourself when she's not looking. Evil, evil girl. Dirty, raped slut. Disgusting, shameful. You deserve to go to hell! Fuck off to hell! Get raped by the devil, that's all you deserve". Amelia began to sob and covered her eyes until the medication began to take effect, and she fell asleep.

Chapter 25) The Dining Room

Amelia had been laying motionless on her bed for hours. She had been staring at the bright white ceiling, occasionally glancing at the clock that was opposite her bed. Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. Many thoughts had replayed in her mind throughout the duration of the day. How would she face her family? How would she face Tom? What did people think? How would she get out of here? When would she get out of here? Amelia was interrupted from her thoughts when their was a hard knock at the door. "It's dinner time in five minutes. You need to leave this room and you need to eat something", barked a short, plump man in a purple uniform, who was a healthcare assistant. "But I'm not hungry", Amelia answered. The plump man huffed, whilst wrinkling up his flat, bulbous nose. "You need to co-operate with us Amelia. Otherwise you will be back in that cell. I want you out of this room now", the plump man demanded. Amelia turned onto her side, facing away from unpleasant, chubby man. She wasn't hungry, nor did she want to face the world. She was mentally preparing herself to see her family in the evening. "Right, if you don't move within ten seconds, then I am going to physically drag you into that dining room!" snarled the plump man. Amelia threw herself off the bed, whilst yelling, "All fucking right then, arsehole". The plump healthcare assistant huffed, as if Amelia was an inconvinience to him.

Amelia had wandered out of her room, looking and feeling very lost. She was shaking and had tears in her once alive, sapphire blue eyes. Amelia was anxious about meeting the other patients. Would they sense her fear? Would they make fun of her? Were they as crazy as they were portrayed in films? Amelia wandered down the corridor until she saw a dining room, where a congregation of people had formed as they waited for their dinner.

Amelia opened the door into the newly decorated dining room. It was painted bright yellow, and was an extremely bright room. The room was filled with large, round pine tables with matching pine chairs, with 5 chairs at each table. Amelia noticed a pine bookcase at the back of the room, filled with ropey looking books that had definitely seen better days. There was another table at the back of the room, which had a games box resting on top of it which Amelia was sure included a game of scrabble that was probably twenty years old. The walls were filled with artwork that had been created by patients and there were photos on the wall of staff and ex patients. Amelia was sure that the smiles in the photos were fake, just like the smiles Amelia had been feigning for weeks.

Amelia took in her surroundings and then looked at the people who were sat eating their dinner or queuing up at the food trolley. Some patients were chatting happily to each other, whilst others were sat alone, looking very morose. "What d'ya want duck?" asked the hostess who was serving the food at the food trolley, interrupting Amelia's observations. Amelia didn't look up at the hostess, but mumbled quietly, "Just chips". The hostess dumped a load of chips on Amelia's plate, which looked very unappetising and aneamic. Amelia looked up to see where she could sit. Each table had people sat at them and Amelia felt exposed. She picked the first table that she came to, where a chubby blonde haired woman was sat next to a skinny man with brown hair. They were chuckling to each other when Amelia arrived at the table. When she sat down, the pair stopped chuckling and began to analyse Amelia. Amelia instantly looked down at her unappetising plate of chips whilst poking them with her fork as she tried to avoid eye contact with the woman and man who were sat opposite to her.

The table had been silent for five minutes, when finally the chubby, blonde haired woman broke the silence. "Are you new here?" she asked Amelia, who then nodded whilst still poking at her chips. "I guess you've never been to one of these places before. Well my name's Sarah, and this is Sam". Amelia looked up at Sarah and Sam. Amelia thought that they looked far too normal and happy to be in a psychiatric ward. "You look, normal", Amelia mumbled. Sam smiled at Amelia, "Define normal", he replied. Amelia managed a faint smile. Maybe the people here weren't as bad as she had anticipated. They weren't all rocking in the corner, nor were they in straightjackets. "It takes a few days to get used to being here, but it gets less scary as the days go on. Me and Sam are regulars here so we know everything there is to know about this place. What's your name?" Sarah enquired, whilst smiling at Amelia. Amelia looked Sarah in the eye. She had smoky, brown eyes with beautifully curved eyebrows. "Erm, I'm, umm. My name's Amelia. I, umm, I just don't know what to expect, or what to do, or what I am supposed to do. I'm so scared", Amelia replied with a quiver in her voice. "It's okay. We all get like that duck. There's no structure really. There's med times, meal times, and two days a week where we get to see our doctors. Then we do whatever we want. There's not a lot to do really. There's the lounge where the tv is, fag time every hour and theres some shitty boardgames and cards in the box over there. Once you get trusted a bit, or staff can be arsed to go with you, you can go to the occupational therapy rooms where you can do some more stuff like art, sewing and cooking. Things like that. Sometimes they have activities in the evening, like bingo, which is a rate laugh! But that's about it really", Sam explained to Amelia. "Thank you", Amelia replied gratefully, whilst managing a smile that almost resembled a grimace. "Anything you need, or want to know come and ask us. Fancy watching a bitta telly with us?" Sarah asked Amelia politely. Amelia had nothing else better to do whilst she waited for her family to come and visit, and it would be the perfect distraction as she had been worked up over it all day.

Chapter 24) Sectioned ***WARNING MAY TRIGGER***

Amelia stood under the warm shower, beginning to feel human again. She washed her usually sleek, chestnut brown hair, closing her eyes and she rinsed the shampoo out of her. Amelia was disturbed from her thoughts when she heard mumbling in the background. "Hello? I'm having a shower, hold on", Amelia shouted, thinking that one of the nurses was in her room. "Bitch. Dirty fucking bitch!" Amelia stopped in her tracks, covering her ears."You can't hide. Hide, hide, hide. Can't hide. Poison, evil, poison. They are killing you with poison."
"What do you want? Leave me alone, I thought you'd gone. Get out, get out!" Amelia shrieked. "Killing you with their poison. Don't trust them, they want blood. Blood. Your blood. Bitch, get out while you still can. Stupid, fat slag!" Amelia fell to the floor screaming, covering her face with her hands.

Amanda came rushing into Amelia's room, opening the door to the bathroom. She saw Amelia in a heap on the floor, turned the shower off and fetched Amelia a towel. "What happened honey? Why are you so upset?" Amanda asked Amelia, who was concerned and trying to comfort Amelia. "I'm not safe, even locked up here. They are here. They are here!" Amelia shrieked hysterically. "Lets get you dressed Amelia, then me and Sue can talk to you about what's going on. I think it will help you understand. Do you want anything to calm you down?" Amanda said.
"Are you trying to poison me?" Amelia snapped.
"No Amelia, these tablets and injections you have been having are here to help you. Being in hospital is scary, and it can make you angry and agitated aswell as upset and lonely. The medication helps with these feelings", Amanda reassured Amelia.
"I don't need anything", Amelia barked, getting up off the floor. "And I'd appreciate you leaving my room so I can get dressed." Amanda sighed, then left Amelia's room at her request.

Amelia put on some pink, skin tight jeans and a plain white tee shirt. She looked in the mirror at herself, disbelieving what she had become. "Disgusting. You are fucking disgusting".
"I know. I know. I'm sorry." Amelia was disrupted when she heard a knock at the door, shortly followed by Sue and Amanda coming into the room. "Hi Amelia", Sue greeted. "Are you happy for us to have our chat here?" Amelia nodded."I am going to be completely honest with you Amelia", Sue said, as she sat down on a chair in Amelia's room, with Amanda perching on Amelia's bed. "When you arrived here Amelia, we were very concerned for your safety. From what we could gather from the assessments that had been made and from speaking with your family and other doctors you were very violent, aggressive and expressed that you wanted to kill yourself. We also have reason to believe that you have been hallucinating and hearing voices and your recent self harming has raised concerns too. We know that you have been under an incredible amount of stress and have suffered a lot of trauma which may account for these behaviours, but because you were not safe and not in sound mind, you have been sectioned under the mental health act", Sue began to explain before Amelia interrupted her. "You can't, you can't do this to me. Surely that's illegal. I wasn't even fucking consulted!" Amelia ranted.
"Yes Amelia, we can. We have very good reason to believe that you are very unwell and a danger to yourself and your family are in agreement", Sue continued.
"You're all conspiring against me. You want me locked up for his crimes, the things he did to me and you're fucking punishing me!" Amelia shouted, who was clearly furious.
"We are not punishing you Amelia, we want to help you get well again. And I think you realise you aren't well. You were lucid in the isolation cell this morning and seemed to acknowledge you were not well", Amanda intervened.
"I just want to know why! Why is this happening to me?" Amelia began to cry. "What did I do? I mean, after the bridge. What did I do?"
"Are you sure you want to hear this Amelia, I don't want to upset you", Sue warned Amelia, who nodded her head. "Well in the emergency department, you managed to get hold of a needle, and you locked yourself in the toilet and made yourself bleed. You were given some drugs to calm you down and then you were brought here. When we assessed you, you got extremely aggressive with us and your family and threw chairs at them. You wouldn't calm down, so we restrained you and gave you some drugs to calm you down. We put you in isolation for your safety, but while you were in isolation, you ripped some of your clothing and tied it round your neck, so we had to confiscate your clothes from you. You were very sedated most of the time, however, when the drugs wore off you would scream and kick the door continuously. You seemed to settle down yesterday, although you were extremely sedated. This morning has been the first time we have seen you lucid." Amelia was now hysterical. "I'm...so...sorry", Amelia sobbed. "What...happens...now?"
"We want to see how you manage without being in isolation now are you lucid, otherwise we may have to transfer you to a psychiatric intensive care unit. Your doctor has prescribed you some medication that she thinks may help you. It's an antipsychotic drug called quetiapine. She thinks it will help reduce the hallucinations and voices you have been experiencing. We also have some anti anxiety drugs written up as required should you feel on edge, or particularly struggling. These drugs will make you drowsy, especially the quetiapine so it has been prescribed for you to take at night to begin with. She thinks you may benefit from some other medication and perhaps some therapy, but she would like to talk to you first as she has not had a chance to yet", Sue explained.
"When will I see her?" Amelia asked.
"Tomorrow morning", Amanda replied.
"I can't believe any of this. I don't know who I am anymore. When can I see my family? I feel so alone. What about my boyfriend? What does he think? I've fucked everything up", Amelia shrieked, whilst becoming hysterical again. "We have been in contact with your family and they are extremely worried about you. Would you like to see them this evening?", Amanda asked. Amelia nodded whilst still sobbing. "I think you probably need some time to yourself while you take time to digest what we have told you, perhaps you will benefit from from lorazepam?" Sue asked Amelia, who nodded once again. The two nurses left the room, as Amelia collapsed on her bed, sobbing into her pillow.

Chapter 23) Isolation

Amelia woke up in her isolation cell, with little recollection of the past few days. She was dressed in a green and blue hospital gown, which was not flattering in the slightest. Amelia was sat on the floor with her legs and her back against the wall. Her hair was greasy and straggly and she felt extremely grungy. She was certain that she must not have showered in at least a week. Amelia wanted to know what was going on, as she was sure she could not be locked up like a battery chicken. "Hello?" Amelia yelled, but no one answered. "Hello!" Amelia yelled again, but no avail. Amelia was scared, and had realised what it felt like to be alone. Amelia began kicking the door of the isolation cell, screaming. "Can anybody fucking hear me? Help me!"

A group of five nurses came rushing to Amelia's cell. "Yes Amelia?" said a short, plump nurse who was dressed in a navy blue tunic, who Amelia recognised as the ward sister. "I, I want to know what's going on. Why am I here? I don't remember anything, please help me remember. I don't want to be locked up in here anymore", Amelia sobbed, with her head held in her hands. "Is there anything you do remember Amelia?", the ward sister asked Amelia in a calm and gentle manner. "I don't know. I remember being in a house and running", Amelia paused, whilst fighting back her tears. "I ran from... him. Then they told me to jump. I wanted to, but I couldn't let them all win. I remember going to hospital, but everything else is a blur. I don't remember coming here. I don't know where my clothes are. I don't know who I am anymore." The ward sister talked to her colleagues who then filed out of the cell, leaving the ward sister and another nurse, whose face Amelia recognised, but didn't know where. "How are you feeling Amelia?" the ward sister asked Amelia.
"I don't feel human. I need a wash", Amelia replied.
"I meant with your thoughts and feelings", the ward sister persisted.
"I feel alone, confused and like I need a good shower", Amelia answered. The ward sister, smiled. "I bet you do darling. You have been in this cell for three days. I'm Sue by the way. I am one of the ward sisters. And this is Amanda, I am not sure if you remember her, she looked after you when you first came here", Sue said in a friendly tone. Amelia looked at Sue and Amanda wearily. "When can I come out of this cell?" Amelia enquired, as she was beginning to feel like a world outside of the cell existed. "I think you need a break from this cell. You need a good shower and freshen up. It might make you feel a little more, human. We have made a side room for you so you can have some privacy. Then you, Amanda and I can have a little chat about what has been going on, and how we plan on helping you", Sue said to Amelia, who then began to cry. "Thank you, thank you so much", Amelia sobbed. Sue and Amanda smiled at Amelia. Amanda held the door open for Amelia and showed her to her room. Amelia felt like she was one step closer to freedom.