Over the past few days, Amelia had barely eaten or had any contact with the outside world. Her days had become mundane and self destructive. She would go to work, come home and go straight to her bedroom. Her evening would usually consist of cutting her arms, receive abusive text messages from Lewis then stay awake all night crying. She had hardly slept in days and it was taking its toll on her. Her family had noticed this. Melanie was insisted on finding out what was wrong with Amelia, but did not have any success. She had also noticed that Amelia had been wearing tracksuit bottoms with baggy tee shirts, which was unlike Amelia. Amelia was usually very fashion conscious.
It was eleven o’clock in the morning when there was a knock at Amelia’s bedroom door. Melanie popped her head around the door, and then came in when she saw Amelia barely stir. She walked over to Amelia’s bed and began to shake her. “Come on Ams get out of bed”, she shouted. Amelia rolled back over. “Oh what is with you Amelia? I wish you would tell me what’s going on”, Melanie demanded. “There is nothing wrong Mel. Why can’t you see that?” insisted Amelia.
“I don’t believe that shit for a minute Amelia. You wear all these shitty, crappy clothes and you are always crying. Don’t think that I don’t notice Amelia. Mum and dad may be blind to this but I’m not”, said Melanie, trying to make Amelia see sense. “The problem is you Mel! You are constantly harassing me. You won’t leave me alone”, replied Amelia whilst turning on her side, away from Melanie. Melanie then began to see the red mist. She pulled the covers off Amelia then grabbed her legs and pulled her off the bed. “What the fuck Mel?”shouted Amelia, angrily. Melanie gasped. As she had pulled Amelia onto the floor. Her pyjama top had ridden up and she saw several gashes on Amelia’s stomach. “Oh my god Amelia! What have you done to yourself?” shrieked Melanie, with tears in her eyes. Amelia felt sick. She felt as though her dirty little secret was going to be discovered. “And you tell me nothing’s wrong Amelia, absolute bullshit!” Melanie shouted. Amelia lay motionless on the floor crying. Melanie lay on the floor with her sister and held her while they both sobbed.
The girls had been on the floor for over an over before Melanie sat up. “Please Amelia, let me help you”, Melanie begged. Amelia sat up and was still sobbing. “Fine you want the truth. For five years I have had to pretend everything is okay when it’s not. My heart is breaking and I have to live with feeling dirty every single day. I am worthless and useless. Just leave me alone”, Amelia replied.
“Please Ams, tell me what happened. What do you mean?” pleaded Melanie. Amelia sighed but Melanie did not stop insisting. Finally Amelia snapped. “I was fucking raped!” Amelia screamed. Melanie was taken aback. “W-w-what did you s-s-say?” she stuttered. Amelia stared at Melanie with tears in her eyes. “But please Mel, I don’t want to talk about it. I am struggling as it is”. Melanie grabbed her big sister and gave her long hug.
Amelia and Melanie had been holding each other for a while. For the first time in her life, Melanie was lost for words. “Ams, I know you don’t want to talk but I am here. Just promise me one thing, promise me you’ll get some counselling. I can’t bare you hurting your pretty self”, Melanie said softly, then walked out of Amelia’s bedroom. Amelia was heartbroken. Not only was she hurting, but she had hurt her sister. She felt like she was an abomination and that everything would be better if she wasn’t alive. She wouldn’t be hurting her sister anymore, she wouldn’t have to hide behind the truth to Tom anymore and he could lead a happy life. She would also be free from Lewis’ evil wrath.
Amelia felt dreadful. She couldn’t stop crying and for the first time in her life she actually wanted to die. The once happy, bubbly, popular young lady was fast becoming a shadow of her former self. She needed a release. She needed to feel free. She needed to feel euphoric. She scrambled up from the floor and began to rummage through her sock draw until she found one of the Stanley knife blades that she had hidden in there. She had covered her entire legs and stomach in cuts over the past few days and today her arms were the target of choice. She pressed down hard on her blade and sliced away at her arms. It was as if she were a butcher slicing up meat. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth while she was cutting her arms. She enjoyed the pain, after all she deserved it. After a few minutes she could feel blood trickling down her arms. “Sweet, sweet blood”, Amelia thought. She had slashed her arms quite severely in certain places and decided that was enough punishment for one day. Normally she felt relieved after she had cut herself but she still felt as bad as she did before.
Amelia lay on her bed after she had wrapped her arms up in a couple of towels to stop the bleeding. She didn’t quite know how she would be able to hide the cuts on her arms well. She decided that she would have to start wearing hoodies and cardigans. Amelia had not heard her phone ring while she had been mutilating her body. She had noticed two unread text messages on her phone. The first one was from Melanie that read, “To my beautiful big sister, I think you are brave and strong and I will be here to hold your hand. We will fight this together”. Amelia was overwhelmed with emotion. She didn’t think she was brave or strong at all. If only she could tell Melanie the truth about how she is feeling and the truth about the rape. But she couldn’t. Every time she thought about what she would say, a pain would sear through her entire body, leaving her paralysed and unable to move or speak. Amelia then read the second text message. It was from Lewis. “I am coming for your sweet, sweet ass. Can’t wait for history to repeat itself”. Amelia was filled with dread and fear. Why was he torturing her so much? Wasn’t being raped once enough? Amelia knew she couldn’t let this happen. She had no other options left. She needed to kill herself.
Amelia waited until everybody had gone to bed. She had thoughts replaying round and round in her head. She had been having terrible flashbacks. All she could see and feel was Lewis on top of her, thrusting violently inside of her. She could even feel the pain ripping through her body. Enough was enough. Amelia went downstairs rifled through the medicine cupboard. She found some narcotics that had never been opened and some opiate painkillers. She took the boxes of pills upstairs with a glass of water. She popped all the tablets out of their holders and began taking handfuls of them at a time, then swallowing them with some water. It did not take her long before she began to feel dizzy and lightheaded. While she was still conscious she wrote a note to those she loved and cared about, which said simply, “I’m sorry”. She folded the note up and put it under her pillow and then got into bed. Amelia became very drowsy. “This is it”, she thought. Amelia thought she would fall asleep and never wake up. She thought that she would finally be at peace.
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