CHAPTER 19) Needles ***TRIGGER WARNING***

The paramedics and the police officers escorted Amelia into the Accident and Emergency department. One of the nurses showed Amelia and the police officers into a bay and then took Amelia’s details from the paramedics and typed them into the computer by Amelia’s bedside. The police took the handcuffs off Amelia and then sat down on some chairs inside the cubicle. “Take care Amelia, hope you feel better soon”, one of the paramedics said as they left. Amelia was feeling restless and fidgety. “Hello there Amelia, my name is Sarah. I have just come to take your blood pressure. If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.” The nurse began to wrap the blood pressure cuff around Amelia’s arm when Amelia said, “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve calmed down can I go home now?”

“Amelia you have to wait to see the see doctor, you know that. Besides you need your swabs taking”, barked the pointy nosed, female police officer.

“I can’t let you go just yet Amelia, are you feeling anxious? You seem to be fidgeting a little”, Sarah asked. Sarah was of a medium height and build with curly ginger hair. She looked young, not much older than Amelia and was kind and considerate. “Yes, I am feeling anxious. I am scared of what will happen to me”, Amelia cried, beginning to sob.

“That is understandable. Hospitals can be scary places. I will get you something to help with the anxiousness. The doctor will come to see you in a short while to assess you.” Amelia smiled at Sarah but she still did not feel any calmer.

Sarah came back fifteen minutes later with a tablet for Amelia. “The doctor has prescribed you some diazepam for now to help with feeling anxious. He will be with you within the next hour or so”. Sarah then left the cubicle and she took her tablet. Amelia couldn’t get comfy on her trolley. She tossed and turned, sat up and then lay back down. “Will you sit still Amelia? You are making me feel restless” the male police officer said. He was chubby, with dark brown hair with a mole on the side of his nose. He did not seem to be very sympathetic towards Amelia and she got the impression that he thought she was a timewaster. Amelia took notice of her surroundings. The walls were painted blue and there was a big nurses and doctors station in the middle of the emergency room. There were phones ringing and people using the computers, but it did not seem like any of the staff were actually busy or doing anything. Amelia noticed an old lady in the opposite cubicle. The old lady seemed confused and kept packing her clothes into a carrier bag. “Will you go and help that lady?” Amelia asked the police officers, who just looked at each other and tutted. Amelia couldn’t rest and felt sad for the confused old lady, sad that nobody would go and help her.

Amelia stared at the curtain by her bedside, it contained different tones of blue and Amelia wondered if the idea was to make the department look and feel cold. Amelia could not sit still any longer, she needed to walk about. “Erm excuse me, I hate to ask but I really feel like I need to stretch my legs. I feel very claustrophobic in here”, Amelia asked the police officers.

“Oh alright then, in five minutes when it’s switchover I’ll get the other officers to take you for a walk. They are on their way now”, the female officer replied. Amelia slumped back onto her bed. She didn’t know if she could wait five minutes. She felt like she could scream the entire hospital down with frustration. “They’re going to lock you away for a long time.”

It was almost eight in the morning and the next pair of police officers arrived to supervise Amelia. Momentarily, Amelia was alone in the cubicle and she had spotted an unopened green needle on the table side next to her. She reached over to it and hid it up her sleeve. By this time she was extremely agitated and needed a release. “Go on, do it. Bleed to death. Ugly, psychotic bitch. You will rot in a padded cell. I hate you”. Two male officers entered the cubicle and greeted Amelia. They seemed a lot more cheerful than the previous pair and Amelia feigned a smile for them. One of the officers was young, tall and skinny with spiked up brown hair. The other officer was short, fat and bald but was very cheerful. Amelia had to seize her chance. She needed to hurt herself but she just needed some privacy to do so. “Err, excuse me, can I go to the toilet please? The others made me wait for you to get here and I’m really desperate”, Amelia lied.

“Liar. Fucking liar”.

“Sure I’ll escort you”, the fat, bald officer said cheerfully. They walked over the toilet. It was a single toilet which locked from the inside. “I can’t go in with you but I will be waiting outside. Keep the door unlocked just in case we need to get in or there’s an emergency or something” the police officer said. Amelia felt a little guilty for what she was about to do because he was so cheerful and polite but she had to make herself feel better.

Amelia sat on the toilet and untied her shoe lace. She took her lace out of the holes of her trainer and pulled it out. She took off her grubby, dirty hoodie and tied it around her waist. She tied the trainer lace as hard as she could get it round the top of her arm to serve as a tourniquet. She opened the packet of the unused needle quietly so it didn’t rustle too much and took off the cap with her teeth and felt around her arm for a vein. She felt a nice bulging vein and then inserted the needle into her arm. She felt a small sharp scratch and felt her warm, crimson coloured blood trickle out. She let her arm bleed for a while. She enjoyed the sight of her own blood and she enjoyed the release that bloodletting gave her. Amelia was almost in a trance and couldn’t hear the policeman outside the toilet calling her name. He barged in and saw Amelia slumped on the toilet with the needle sticking out of her arm, letting her blood trickle out. He pushed the panic alarm into the wall and doctors and nurses came rushing to the small toilet cubicle.

A nurse with short, black hair fetched some gauze and removed the needle from Amelia’s arm, putting pressure on the wound and stuck the gauze to her arm with tape. Amelia appeared catatonic for a while, not blinking, pale and was not responding to the nurses and doctors who were around her. “You have fucking done it now. Now you have pissed everyone off. Ugly girl. Ugly, stupid girl. I hope they lock you away. You are nothing. Nothing! And you will rot in your shit!” Amelia started to scream and lash out at anybody who tried to help her. “Amelia you need to remain calm for us darling, getting angry won’t help”, a nurse said to her.

“What the fuck would you know, tell them to get off me. Get off me!” Amelia screamed as the police officers tried to restrain her. The nurses had called security who was also aiding the police in restraining Amelia. The police managed to get Amelia’s hands behind her back and handcuff her, while a doctor injected some medicine into Amelia’s buttock. She struggled and shouted but could not get out of the restraint she was in.

After a few minutes the drugs began to take effect. Amelia felt sleepy and couldn’t fight against the police or security anymore. A male nurse with short grey hair and grey eyes wheeled Amelia back to her bed in her wheelchair where the security guards observed her while the police spoke to the nurses and doctors. “How on earth did she get hold of that needle?” one of the doctors questioned. “Well she was cuffed and searched before she came in and had nothing on her but Xanax which was taken from her possession. She must have got the needle from here somewhere”, the fat, bald police officer stated, who was not quite so cheerful anymore. “If there was a needle lying around she may have got it before we came on shift or she could have picked it up in the toilet itself”.

“Why wasn’t a better eye being kept on her?” the nurse with the short black hair inquired.

“She was calm, compliant and she left the door open. I am male I couldn’t go in the toilet with her and it was undignified to keep the door open so I could see her.”

“If a patient wants to harm themselves they will find a way to do so. We shouldn’t blame ourselves but we need to document this medically and you guys should document it also to cover your backs”, the doctor said to the police. “I think this leaves us no choice but to send her to the psychiatric unit to be assessed fully by the psych doctors. Has anybody contacted this girls’ family?” the doctor went on to say.

Amelia had fallen asleep on the trolley and was awoken by a gentle prod by a Chinese doctor, with glasses who was wearing blue scrubs. “Hello Amelia, my name is Doctor Ling and I have been asked to have a little talk with you. I hear you have been having emotional problems and tried to kill yourself earlier and tried to harm yourself further in the department.”

“I am fine, can I go home now?” Amelia said groggily, trying to shake the doctors’ hand but missing connection. “I don’t think home is the safest place for you right now Amelia especially with the thought of suicide and hearing voices, would you agree?” Doctor Ling continued.

“You’ve done it now. You’re going to be locked up forever. Well deserved you stupid cunt.”

“I don’t want to be sent away. I’m not going to nut house. Get away from me!” Amelia shrieked. The nurse with short black hair heard Amelia in distress and came in to hold her hand which seemed to calm her down a little. “Sweetheart we just want you to be safe”, she said whilst stroking her hand.

“If you do not co operate we will have to detain you involuntarily which is not good for you and we don’t want to do that”, Doctor Ling continued.

“I’m just scared. I’m scared everyone thinks I’m crazy. I want my sister and my boyfriend; will you call them for me? I don’t want to be alone. I feel like a criminal with these cuffs on”, Amelia stated.

“I will call them for you Amelia, is the number for your sister on your mobile?” the nurse with short black hair asked.

“Yes, don’t call my parents. They will freak out. My sister is Melanie. Tell Melanie where I am. I’ve been missing for days so everyone will be worried. Can I have the cuffs off now? I won’t kick off anymore”, Amelia asked.

“I’m afraid they will have to stay on until you get onto the psychiatric ward because you have made an attempt to harm yourself and have had to be restrained”, the skinny, young police officer said.

Amelia sighed but she was drowsy and there was nothing she could do about the situation. She really didn’t want to have to be admitted to the psychiatric ward. Maybe she could lie and get herself out of there when she was on the ward?

CHAPTER 18) The Bridge ***TRIGGER WARNING***

“Dirty worthless whore. No one will have you now!”

“What shall I do? I have nowhere to go”, Amelia sobbed.

“You’re only option is to kill yourself. You can’t go home. You can’t go back to the rapist. Kill yourself.”

“But I am scared. How can I do it? I tried overdosing on diazepam and codeine but it didn’t work. I was just all sleepy”, Amelia stated.

“Keep walking. I will tell you to stop”. Amelia carried on walking through the deserted streets. There were no cars, no pedestrians, just Amelia. The streets were dimly light and she walked past many terraced houses. Amelia would have done anything to be at home right now but she knew she couldn’t go back. She knew she was unloved and she knew that nobody would want her tarnished soul. Amelia wandered across a bridge when she heard somebody yell, “Stop, stop here!”  Amelia came to a sudden halt and wondered why she had stopped here. “Kill yourself. Jump off and kill yourself. Worthless bitch, jump. Jump. Kill yourself and jump.”

Amelia looked over the edge and gulped. Underneath the bridge was a busy motorway. At present it was quiet and there were few cars traveling but in a few hours time it would be extremely busy. “You’re weak. Raped twice. No one will want you now. Jump while you still have some dignity”.

“Tom hates you. You’re a liar. This is all in your head. Do us a favour. Melanie will fuck Tom when you’re gone.” Amelia again gazed over the edge of the bridge. Could she really do it? Could she really jump? She began to think of how worthless she was, how dirty she was and how nobody would love her again. She knew that she had hurt all her family and Tom and that they wouldn’t want her back. Who would love damaged goods again? Amelia climbed over the railings and closed her eyes.

“Do it you pussy, you weakling. Be strong, be strong.” Amelia was holding on for her life to the railings. Any sudden movement or one wrong step and she would fall. “What are you waiting for? Jump!” Amelia began having flashbacks of her rape. She felt as disgusting as she did on that night. She would always be under Lewis’ control. Even though she had run away, he had still managed to control her and he was controlling her now. Amelia needed to be free, but she needed time before she took the step to end of her life. “What’s taking so long? Jump already! What more persuasion do you need? You’re ugly, fat, disgusting, horrible, a psycho, a whore, dirty, tarnished, a failure, stupid, and a monster. Die cunt, die!” Amelia took a deep breath and was about to jump when she heard sirens and cars pulling up behind her.

“Dirty whore, slut, tramp. Jump before they get you!” Amelia began to panic. She wanted to jump but she heard a load of police officers behind her, shouting at her. She was at a crossroads and she didn’t know what to do. A female police officer began talking to her. “Hey there sweetheart, my name is Kirsty and I am a police officer. I want to help you okay. What’s your name?” Kirsty said. Kirsty was quite short, plump, with mouse brown hair and sparkling blue eyes that Amelia was drawn too.”I don’t want to tell you my name. You might lock me up”, Amelia replied.

“Why do you think that I would lock you up?” Kirsty replied.

“Because I want to kill myself”, Amelia responded.

“What has made you feel this way? Why do you feel like you need to kill yourself?” Kirsty asked.

“Don’t give me away. Tell them it’s all your idea. I’m innocent”

“I have done many bad things. I don’t want to talk about them”, said Amelia.

“That’s okay. I understand but it doesn’t have to remain this bad forever. I can help you” Kirsty said, trying to reassure Amelia.

“She’s lying. She doesn’t want to help. She wants to lock you away forever. Kill yourself now”

“Do you really want to help me?”Amelia asked Kirsty.

“Yes I do want to help you. I can see you are hurting and in a lot of pain. I can help you.” Kirsty said.

“Why do you want to help me? Because it’s your job or because you care?” Amelia snapped.

“Well, I wouldn’t do the job if I didn’t care sweetheart. Does that answer your question?” Kirsty asked Amelia.

“No one cares like I do. Jump. Jump. Jump!”

“Shutup! Let me think!” Amelia screamed. “Wait Kirsty! I’m sorry I wasn’t shouting at you!”

“Who were you shouting at?” Kirsty replied.

“I have a friend. They tell me I am worthless and that I should jump.  They tell me I am a dirty whore and no one will want me?” Amelia admitted.

“You told her about us. How could you? Evil slut!”

“Are they here with you now? What is your friend saying?” Kirsty inquired.

“I don’t see them but I hear them. They called me an evil slut because I told you about them. They keep telling me to jump”, replied Amelia.

“Slut jump. Slut jump!”

“Do you really want to jump? Or does your friend want you to jump?” Kirsty asked.

“Both really. My name is Amelia. You have pretty eyes” said Amelia.

“Thank you Amelia. Your eyes are pretty too and sparkle like diamonds. Why do you want to kill yourself?” Kirsty persisted.

“I won’t jump if you lock him up”, Amelia said, randomly.

“Who do you want locking up?” Kirsty asked tentatively.

“My boyfriend’s brother Lewis. He did this. He did it all. He did this”, replied Amelia.

“What did Lewis do?” Kirsty asked.

“Tell her you deserved what you got. You nasty, dirty skank”.

“He’s a monster. He’s tortured me and wants me dead!” Amelia shouted. “I will come down if you arrest him”.

“What did he do Amelia?” Kirsty persisted.

“Just lock him up and I will come down!” Amelia shrieked. She was now hysterical. She didn’t understand why Kirsty and the rest of the police wanted her to come down from the railings. She didn’t know why anyone cared.

“Amelia sweet, we can’t do anything unless you talk to us hon.  I need you to be honest.” Kirsty insisted.

“Will you be honest with me?” Amelia asked.

“Yes Amelia, I will be honest with you”, Kirsty said whilst smiling at Amelia.

“What will you do if I come down? What will happen?” Amelia asked, while struggling to get out her words.

“Throw yourself off and die bitch!”

“Well first of all you must be freezing up there so we will give you a blanket to try and warm you up a bit. A couple of my colleagues here will escort you to the hospital in the ambulance where you will be checked over by the doctors to make sure you have no injuries and are okay. They may want you to stay to speak to one of their colleagues who specialises in mental health.” Kirsty explained.

“Do you think I’m crazy?” Amelia asked Kirsty.

“You are fucking insane. Crazy, worthless bitch!”

“No Amelia, I do not think you are crazy. I just think you are hurting right now and need some support and assistance to make it through. You don’t have to do this alone”, Kirsty reassured Amelia.

“Lewis raped me five years ago. I got over it but I found out he’s my boyfriend’s brother. He’s threatened me, tried beating me and tried raping me again since. I see him everywhere and he has infected my brain. He did this to me. I need him out of my brain”, Amelia cried.

“That must have been terrible for you Amelia, no human deserves to be violated like that. We can get you the right help Amelia. When you are down from here we can take a statement from you and see where we go from there” Kirsty informed Amelia.

“I want swabs at the hospital. DNA swabs. I was in a house. Lewis was there and some of his druggie friends. His friend Ralph gave me Xanax. I had some, they are still in my pocket now actually. When I woke up Ralph was on top of me and my knickers were down to my knees. I don’t know if anything happened. I just woke up”, Amelia sobbed.

“You wanted it you lying cow, you wanted to be raped!”

“That must have been so scary for you hon. One of our special forensic nurses will have to take the swabs though, if that is okay? We will come and take a statement later on”, Kirsty informed Amelia and Amelia nodded her head. Amelia then climbed over the bridge railings and Kirsty and another officer helped her down and Amelia gave Kirsty a hug and Kirsty held Amelia in her arms and eventually pulled away.

“What will happen now is the police are going to detain you on a section 136, which is a power to remove a person who appears to be in mental distress to a place of safety, in your case the hospital. It will last for seventy two hours or until a decision has been made about your care. My officers will cuff you temporarily which is to ensure your own safety and will escort you into the back of the ambulance”, Kirsty explained.
“I don’t want to be cuffed. I’m not gonna kick off I promise. I’m too tired for that”, Amelia argued. Another female officer who had a sharp, pointy nose began to place handcuffs on Amelia. “I don’t want to be cuffed! Get off me! I want Kirsty to come to with me to the hospital not you, you stupid bitch! Get off me!” Amelia protested. She began to struggle and two other officers came and restrained her and aided her to the floor. Amelia broke down in tears. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“I hope you feel better soon”, Kirsty said, “and I will leave my details with the paramedics.”

“Thank you Kirsty, thank you!” Amelia said as the police officers helped her to her feet. They escorted her into the back of the ambulance. Amelia was scared. She didn’t know what to expect or whether she would be locked up for good. She wondered if her parents and her sister were okay because she missed them dearly. She missed Tom too. The ambulance began moving and tears filled Amelia’s eyes as she laid on stretcher as the sun began to rise.

CHAPTER 9) Numb ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Over the past few days, Amelia had barely eaten or had any contact with the outside world. Her days had become mundane and self destructive. She would go to work, come home and go straight to her bedroom. Her evening would usually consist of cutting her arms, receive abusive text messages from Lewis then stay awake all night crying. She had hardly slept in days and it was taking its toll on her. Her family had noticed this. Melanie was insisted on finding out what was wrong with Amelia, but did not have any success. She had also noticed that Amelia had been wearing tracksuit bottoms with baggy tee shirts, which was unlike Amelia. Amelia was usually very fashion conscious.

It was eleven o’clock in the morning when there was a knock at Amelia’s bedroom door. Melanie popped her head around the door, and then came in when she saw Amelia barely stir. She walked over to Amelia’s bed and began to shake her. “Come on Ams get out of bed”, she shouted. Amelia rolled back over. “Oh what is with you Amelia? I wish you would tell me what’s going on”, Melanie demanded. “There is nothing wrong Mel. Why can’t you see that?” insisted Amelia.

“I don’t believe that shit for a minute Amelia. You wear all these shitty, crappy clothes and you are always crying. Don’t think that I don’t notice Amelia. Mum and dad may be blind to this but I’m not”, said Melanie, trying to make Amelia see sense. “The problem is you Mel! You are constantly harassing me. You won’t leave me alone”, replied Amelia whilst turning on her side, away from Melanie. Melanie then began to see the red mist. She pulled the covers off Amelia then grabbed her legs and pulled her off the bed. “What the fuck Mel?”shouted Amelia, angrily. Melanie gasped. As she had pulled Amelia onto the floor. Her pyjama top had ridden up and she saw several gashes on Amelia’s stomach. “Oh my god Amelia! What have you done to yourself?” shrieked Melanie, with tears in her eyes. Amelia felt sick. She felt as though her dirty little secret was going to be discovered. “And you tell me nothing’s wrong Amelia, absolute bullshit!” Melanie shouted. Amelia lay motionless on the floor crying. Melanie lay on the floor with her sister and held her while they both sobbed.

The girls had been on the floor for over an over before Melanie sat up. “Please Amelia, let me help you”, Melanie begged. Amelia sat up and was still sobbing. “Fine you want the truth. For five years I have had to pretend everything is okay when it’s not. My heart is breaking and I have to live with feeling dirty every single day. I am worthless and useless. Just leave me alone”, Amelia replied.

“Please Ams, tell me what happened. What do you mean?” pleaded Melanie. Amelia sighed but Melanie did not stop insisting. Finally Amelia snapped. “I was fucking raped!” Amelia screamed. Melanie was taken aback. “W-w-what did you s-s-say?” she stuttered. Amelia stared at Melanie with tears in her eyes. “But please Mel, I don’t want to talk about it. I am struggling as it is”. Melanie grabbed her big sister and gave her long hug.

Amelia and Melanie had been holding each other for a while. For the first time in her life, Melanie was lost for words. “Ams, I know you don’t want to talk but I am here. Just promise me one thing, promise me you’ll get some counselling. I can’t bare you hurting your pretty self”, Melanie said softly, then walked out of Amelia’s bedroom. Amelia was heartbroken. Not only was she hurting, but she had hurt her sister. She felt like she was an abomination and that everything would be better if she wasn’t alive. She wouldn’t be hurting her sister anymore, she wouldn’t have to hide behind the truth to Tom anymore and he could lead a happy life. She would also be free from Lewis’ evil wrath.

Amelia felt dreadful. She couldn’t stop crying and for the first time in her life she actually wanted to die. The once happy, bubbly, popular young lady was fast becoming a shadow of her former self. She needed a release. She needed to feel free. She needed to feel euphoric. She scrambled up from the floor and began to rummage through her sock draw until she found one of the Stanley knife blades that she had hidden in there. She had covered her entire legs and stomach in cuts over the past few days and today her arms were the target of choice. She pressed down hard on her blade and sliced away at her arms. It was as if she were a butcher slicing up meat. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth while she was cutting her arms. She enjoyed the pain, after all she deserved it. After a few minutes she could feel blood trickling down her arms. “Sweet, sweet blood”, Amelia thought. She had slashed her arms quite severely in certain places and decided that was enough punishment for one day. Normally she felt relieved after she had cut herself but she still felt as bad as she did before.

Amelia lay on her bed after she had wrapped her arms up in a couple of towels to stop the bleeding. She didn’t quite know how she would be able to hide the cuts on her arms well. She decided that she would have to start wearing hoodies and cardigans. Amelia had not heard her phone ring while she had been mutilating her body. She had noticed two unread text messages on her phone. The first one was from Melanie that read, “To my beautiful big sister, I think you are brave and strong and I will be here to hold your hand. We will fight this together”. Amelia was overwhelmed with emotion. She didn’t think she was brave or strong at all. If only she could tell Melanie the truth about how she is feeling and the truth about the rape. But she couldn’t. Every time she thought about what she would say, a pain would sear through her entire body, leaving her paralysed and unable to move or speak. Amelia then read the second text message. It was from Lewis. “I am coming for your sweet, sweet ass. Can’t wait for history to repeat itself”. Amelia was filled with dread and fear. Why was he torturing her so much? Wasn’t being raped once enough? Amelia knew she couldn’t let this happen. She had no other options left. She needed to kill herself.

Amelia waited until everybody had gone to bed. She had thoughts replaying round and round in her head. She had been having terrible flashbacks. All she could see and feel was Lewis on top of her, thrusting violently inside of her. She could even feel the pain ripping through her body. Enough was enough. Amelia went downstairs rifled through the medicine cupboard. She found some narcotics that had never been opened and some opiate painkillers. She took the boxes of pills upstairs with a glass of water. She popped all the tablets out of their holders and began taking handfuls of them at a time, then swallowing them with some water. It did not take her long before she began to feel dizzy and lightheaded. While she was still conscious she wrote a note to those she loved and cared about, which said simply, “I’m sorry”. She folded the note up and put it under her pillow and then got into bed. Amelia became very drowsy. “This is it”, she thought. Amelia thought she would fall asleep and never wake up. She thought that she would finally be at peace.